my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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