I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
