I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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