Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
