You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
