I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
