and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My vagina just recognized that song.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
