my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
