I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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