Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
