Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
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And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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