really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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