Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize