I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
