weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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