dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
