i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
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You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
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It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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