Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
