Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
