Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
