why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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