I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
