She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
