Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
