That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
