Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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