Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
