new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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