Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
