Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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