well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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