I just pynch a tree in the face
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Enjoy the penises
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
