I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I didn't notice because vodka
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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