Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
