And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize