One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize