I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
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I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize