Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
