I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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