I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
