i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
