The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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