Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you had me at cake vodka
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
