im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
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Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
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I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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