4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
