Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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