Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
