Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
