Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
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No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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