I think my vagina is haunted
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
