I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
