I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
