I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
