I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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